June 5th, 2026

dear diary,

today's highlight was seeing kesha! it was a super fun concert, thoughhh not the best i've been to, i have to admit. her singing and the performance was pretty good, and i'm super happy for her for now having her own label! but the choreo was a bit.. much? at times? i get that she's kesha, but there felt like there was just SO much sex stuff it felt forced and fake. BUT AGAIN still a super great show!

other than that? hm... i showered, napped, and got ready.. then after the concert i spent a little bit of time in vc on discord. i played a teeeeny bit of minecraft, scrolled tumblr, fixed some link and image stuff here. i'm probably gonna sleep pretty soon, it's almost 2:30AM (oops).

i will say... during my nap i was missing both merri and summer A LOT. i wanted to be cuddled up with them so bad :( especially with how merri is a human... well, puppy space heater and how cold i get after i shower with trans tape on.

i'm also still feeling weird and insecure about gender stuff. i wore a skirt and makeup for the concert, which i know i like and isnt out of the ordinary for me really. but i don't know. the woman in front of me at the concert had a body that made me SO jealous. i wish more than anything that i could just shapeshift into the body i want. i like being more feminine, but get hung up on not having a "feminine" body or face or whatever. which i know is total bullshit logically. but, y'know.

i'm gonna talk to my endocrinologist about lowering my T dose and seeing what she says, i was never. hm. pre-medical-transition, i was never "feminine". i was actually bullied and ostracised in part for being a "masculine girl". that and the audhd. i'm really not sure if lowering my dose will do much. i know i want to keep my facial hair for now, but body hair i could take or leave. i've been shaving my legs, actually. i like my voice, and that can't be reversed so that doesn't really matter. the main thing is fat distribution.

but the thing is... i was never curvy. even when i didnt pass. so. sigh. i dunno if moving my hormones around will do anything. i might just have to resign myself to never having the hips & thighs that i want. (well.. without medical intervention at least).

the more i see things online from other trans men, the more i truly wonder if i am one. i feel like i'm not the same as them. i'm too fat and "masculine" to be one of the more fem guys, but too feminine to fit in with the stealth dudes or trans bears. and.. i don't really like "man" as a label. it's too much, too serious, too concrete. hard square edges on all the letters. "MAN" no O's or anything. it's just.. absolute. it feels confining.

UGH anyways.

i'm getting pretty tired. overall today was a huge positive! i just got too into thinking about my gender BS there for a minute. i think i'm gonna try to keep applying to jobs for next semester... (guhhhg..). will keep you updated! ^^

love,

bat