August 12th, 2026

dear diary,

hiiii it's been forever.. sorryy. well, big update is i got top surgery on the 7th! so this week i'm kinda just stuck inside. i'm taking it easy and also i can't shower or use deodorant so... i don't wanna subject people to that...

me and s also started dating on july 19th! it makes me happy that she's my girlfriend now. she hasn't been doing great though... she's starting some new meds so hopefully that helps, but i don't know. meds can only do so much and things are certainly really hard for everyone right now. i feel bad also because well. she hasn't been talking to me or hanging out as much because of how she's been doing, and i feel sad about that, and then i feel bad about feeling bad because i should be caring more about how she feels, not how she's making me feel. i don't know if that makes sense.

but she's probably gonna come over saturday. i hope. i'm torn, because with me recovering i really wanna be babied and taken care of nd such but i also really wanna try to focus on her? i really just want to take care of her- and for her to let me take care of her. i really don't like speculating on others' brains and stuff but it certainly feels like she has an urge to be useful? i want her to know and feel that i love her and that she should be able to be pampered and taken care of.

i dunno. i just want all that and ALSO don't want to push too hard on it and make her uncomfortable. she just.. i don't like the word deserve but i'm not sure what else to use. but she deserves to be treated sweetly and delicately and deserves to be treated like a princess. and both me and merri want to give that to her if she'll let us. but i just feel like i'm crouching down with one of those churu tubes and she's hiding in like. a cold wet cardboard box and i'm trying to coax her into a nice fluffy comfy cat bed but she's been living in the box so long and has never had a churu tube and she is like. ragh this metaphor is getting stupid.

anyways, may see you soon, may not, bweh.

love,

bat